This is going to be hard for me to write, it may not ever get posted. I just read a draft of something I never posted...I am an interesting creature. So, here it goes:
I am having a hard time trying to settle my emotions with the new ruling from the Supreme Court on gay marriage. For lots of reasons. Maybe someone out there that understands my thoughts will be able to help me figure this out, so here it goes:
I feel like I am a loving and forgiving person. It is hard for me to hear people say that "Love won." I disagree, but first, I am LDS (Mormon) I am so grateful for my testimony that I have, I am grateful for my membership in the church. I go to church, I strive to keep the commandments, I pray with my children, I read scriptures with them. I want them to have their own testimonies and I want to be with them forever. I believe that is possible, I believe that is the ultimate goal we are all striving for. All of us, together. I also realize that there are those that don't believe in God. But I do.
When I think about the blessings of Eternity, I want that for everyone. Even people that I don't know. I don't want people to settle for anything less. I get that they have their agency. Trust me I do, I still have hope for them. I still want them to know what I know. I don't want to be accused of being judgmental and not loving, because that is not what my problem is, my problem is that I love people too much. I want them to fight the good fight and not sacrifice the eternities for the here and now. The same things that I want for my children I want for others. That to me is love, I love people and want what is best for them, well, what I feel is best. Maybe that is my biggest problem...
I am not being judgmental, I know that we all have sins, we all have things we need to work on and do better. I don't think I am perfect (I hear that one too) but seriously, look at me, I am fat. That is in no way perfect. It goes against the teaching of the Church. I don't want to be fat, but I am. I am tired of hearing, "exercise, eat right, drink water" and you will lose weight. That hasn't happened for me. I have been working on this for a long time, and I mean a L O N G time. I've tried a lot of things, I have gone to therapy, I have gone to Drs. I am not looking for pity here, just understanding that I get that we all have trials and things we need to work on. I am also not looking for a change in my religion to make me feel more comfortable with my trial. I want to improve and live within the guidelines the church has given. Can you imagine what that would look like if I wanted that?...I want everyone to be fat so I feel better. I want all the gyms across the country to close, I want people to get fined for exercising, I want healthy food to be abolished. Let's get serious.
I can compromise and let gay people marry, I disagree with it and I want better for them, but I understand agency. However, I don't want to be called intolerant because I disagree. I don't want to be sued for not baking them a cake or whatever. I want that same tolerance to go both ways, but it doesn't for some people. I don't see this ending until my religious liberties are gone, and that is what I am really afraid of . I'm afraid it won't end until I am not allowed to worship how I would like to. Is anyone else afraid of not being about to go to church, not being able to go to the Temple, not being able to pray, not being able to teach their children about Jesus Christ and God? Because that is where we are headed. I am not afraid of people marrying who they want, again I disagree and I want better for them, but it doesn't really affect me...yet.
I wonder if those that are excited about the new ruling understand what all of this really means, what it means that one branch of our government was powerful enough to make this change all on it's own.
